I have spent some time away from the fleet battles lately. I have mostly been docked up, living as close to a civilian life as a capsuleer can get for a while. I had been experiencing some burnout. A few poor decisions I had made had resulted in some needlessly expensive ship losses. I had broken the cardinal rule of New Eden,
EVE Online – Gallente Destroyer (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
which states, don’t fly what you can’t afford to lose.
I needed some time away from fleet ops, and away from the university to reflect on myself and why it is that I fly and fight. When I joined the Gallente Federal Naval Academy, it was never out of pure patriotism. Sure, I took some pride in the fact that the Gallente Federation represents the only true democracy in New Eden, but, never having experienced anything else in my relatively sheltered youth, I really took this all for granted. So why was I really there?
The fact is, I had always looked up to and admired Federation Navy pilots. Ever since I saw my uncle in his uniform for the first time, I knew that I too wanted to wear that uniform some day. I wanted to be that hotshot with the big killboard who got all the girls. I was really there for selfish reasons.
Like I said in my first post, I was really in for a rude awakening. Far from being a hotshot, I have yet to earn my first solo kill, and I have been pod killed more times than I can count. I have even lost numerous ships to n0n-capsuleer opponents. So what drives me to keep going? What is my motivation to get back in my pod, and venture forth once more, to meet my inevitable doom?
I think maybe it’s just because I am losing my grasp on humanity. Maybe I have just accepted the fact that this is my life now. Kill and be killed. Every day. What I am really looking for is something to fight for. Something to mean something. Something to remind me that I was once human, and what I do still matters, or else I just become little more than a sentient piloting computer, plugged into a space craft.
While I was gone, I realized that it was the simple things that I missed the most about being a pilot. I missed hearing the voices of my fleetmates over comms. I missed sharing in there laughter, and having a sympathetic ear to talk to when I would loose a ship to some stupid mistake I just made, because they had all been there. I missed the shock and awe we would inspire, when our blob fleets would suddenly spike a system. I even missed the camaraderie and respect of our opponents. I love it how my victim today could be my fleetmate tomorrow. So I guess this is why I fight. I do it for the fleet.