Spacecraft

Why Do I Fight?

I have spent some time away from the fleet battles lately. I have mostly been docked up, living as close to a civilian life as a capsuleer can get for a while.  I had been experiencing some burnout.  A few poor decisions I had made had resulted in some needlessly expensive ship losses.  I had broken the cardinal rule of New Eden,

EVE Online - Gallente Frigate

EVE Online – Gallente Destroyer (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

which states, don’t fly what you can’t afford to lose.

I needed some time away from fleet ops, and away from the university to reflect on myself and why it is that I fly and fight.  When I joined the Gallente Federal Naval Academy, it was never out of pure patriotism.  Sure, I took some pride in the fact that the Gallente Federation represents the only true democracy in New Eden, but, never having experienced anything else in my relatively sheltered youth, I really took this all for granted. So why was I really there?

The fact is, I had always looked up to and admired Federation Navy pilots.  Ever since I saw my uncle in his uniform for the first time, I knew that I too wanted to wear that uniform some day.  I wanted to be that hotshot with the big killboard who got all the girls. I was really there for selfish reasons.

Like I said in my first post, I was really in for a rude awakening.  Far from being a hotshot, I have yet to earn my first solo kill, and I have been pod killed more times than I can count.  I have even lost numerous ships to n0n-capsuleer opponents.  So what drives me to keep going?  What is my motivation to get back in my pod, and venture forth once more, to meet my inevitable doom?

I think maybe it’s just because I am losing my grasp on humanity.  Maybe I have just accepted the fact that this is my life now.  Kill and be killed.  Every day.  What I am really looking for is something to fight for.  Something to mean something.  Something to remind me that I was once human, and what I do still matters, or else I just become little more than a sentient piloting computer, plugged into a space craft.

While I was gone, I realized that it was the simple things that I missed the most about being a pilot.  I missed hearing the voices of my fleetmates over comms.  I missed sharing in there laughter, and having a sympathetic ear to talk to when I would loose a ship to some stupid mistake I just made, because they had all been there.  I missed the shock and awe we would inspire, when our blob fleets would suddenly spike a system.  I even missed the camaraderie and respect of our opponents.  I love it how my victim today could be my fleetmate tomorrow.  So I guess this is why I fight.  I do it for the fleet.

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